Protect Your Peace - PART ONE

[00:00:19] Hey, Aurel. How's it going?

[00:00:21] Yeah, good thanks. Excited to be back on.

[00:00:24] Merry Christmas!

[00:00:26] Yeah, we're in December and it is exciting.

[00:00:29] I know. How do you feel about the lead up to Christmas this year?

[00:00:32] Yeah, I think I'm a lot more relaxed this year than I've been before, to be honest.

[00:00:36] I think I've slowly started understanding what's the stress for Christmas for me,

[00:00:42] which is what we're going to kind of talk about.

[00:00:44] But I do love Christmas, so it's always an exciting time for me, so I am very excited.

[00:00:49] The minute it hits December, I am all about the Christmas music and excitement.

[00:00:54] In your opinion, why is Christmas so stressful for us women?

[00:00:58] Yeah, I think there's a few reasons.

[00:01:00] I think probably the biggest one from my own experience and women I speak to is expectations.

[00:01:07] I think we put expectations on ourselves.

[00:01:09] I think there's expectations from family, from friends.

[00:01:14] There's all the mental load that goes with Christmas.

[00:01:16] There's organizing.

[00:01:18] If you have kids, like all the presents.

[00:01:20] Maybe you are the one that gets the presents for the rest of the family as well.

[00:01:23] The decorating, the shopping, the food, even the menu.

[00:01:28] There's also like the financial stress of Christmas.

[00:01:31] Like there's more nights going out.

[00:01:33] There's more socializing.

[00:01:34] I think it's always tends to be a really busy time of year with all of that going on.

[00:01:40] If you have kids like I do, there's kids Christmas parties, there's kids Christmas stuff, there's work Christmas things, there's socializing, catching up with friends for Christmas.

[00:01:49] And as well as that financial toll, just like the social battery, I think for me is an awful lot as well.

[00:01:55] And I know it's the same for a lot of other women.

[00:01:58] I think it's a combination.

[00:01:59] I think there's all the social pressures.

[00:02:01] There's all the expectation.

[00:02:03] There's a financial strain and even just work.

[00:02:06] Like if you're taking time off over the holidays, trying to get as much done before you take that break.

[00:02:11] So it's always just an incredibly busy time of year that there's a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations and just a lot to juggle, especially that kind of mental load of trying to organize all these things as well.

[00:02:25] It's an emotional and huge mental toll kind of time of year.

[00:02:30] And so, yeah, I think that's probably why it's so busy for a lot of people and so draining, I think.

[00:02:36] Only one day though.

[00:02:38] I know.

[00:02:39] It's literally only one day.

[00:02:42] Sorry, do I say something?

[00:02:43] It can be.

[00:02:44] Is it one day though?

[00:02:45] Because quite often for people, it's Christmas Day, but then there's, if you are going to see other family, it's maybe another Christmas Day with your partner's family or family that live in a different area.

[00:02:58] So it's not always just one day.

[00:03:00] I mean, for us, we have family that live up north.

[00:03:02] We have a family down where we are.

[00:03:05] Then we have to go up north and have another Christmas essentially with all that family, which is another two, three days.

[00:03:12] And then, you know, by the time you do all of that, like you're, you know, you might have taken two weeks off, but actually you've spent two weeks running around visiting everyone.

[00:03:20] So I think it's not always just one day.

[00:03:22] I think often there's so much we try and fit into it, even if you have time off that can be more than just one day, if that makes sense.

[00:03:30] So yeah, I think that adds to the pressure.

[00:03:32] We were talking earlier and how much control you have over Christmas.

[00:03:39] So you've got such a positive, healthy mindset when it comes to Christmas every year, because right now you've got such a positive attitude towards Christmas and much calming.

[00:03:49] Like you've never been stressed over Christmas recently, but was there a Christmas in the past that you just thought not good yet?

[00:03:58] Yeah, I think when my kids were younger, I had a lot more, when they started to really get Christmas, I had a bit of an expect.

[00:04:03] I put a lot of pressure on myself.

[00:04:05] I think it was when you're seeing on like social media and hearing what other people are maybe getting their kids.

[00:04:11] There was all the pressure I was putting myself around making it as completely magical as possible because I find Christmas really magical.

[00:04:18] There was a pressure around the house being looking stunning or really tidy and clean because people were coming to stay with us.

[00:04:27] I was even putting pressure on myself around how I sat at the table and making it look really pretty because I like things like that.

[00:04:32] I was putting that pressure on and I think I realized the kids were opening all their presents and I was stressing out about going round and tidying up all the mess as they were opening all their presents and getting all the rubbish in a bin bag that I just thought, oh, I should just sit and enjoy it with them.

[00:04:47] And I think, you know, it's just small moments like that where you maybe realize I had another friend who was talking about all the family coming over and then she realized she spent most of the day in the kitchen and she'd missed that time with her kids.

[00:05:00] And I was speaking to another friend the other day just talking about how she doesn't look forward to Christmas because it's the expectation of having to visit loads of family and be around people that she probably wouldn't visit but because they want them to, not because she wanted to.

[00:05:16] So I think for a lot of people, they'll have an experience where they've maybe had that light bulb in sight going, God, I need to just relax about this or I need to do it different.

[00:05:24] Or I was listening to somebody the other day say even how they have Christmas with their kids.

[00:05:30] So they used to, a lot of people open all their presents in the morning and they let their kids have all their presents all at once.

[00:05:38] Whereas she was like, I'm actually going to do it different where we open maybe our stocking from Santa in the morning and then maybe just the odd presents throughout the day and the rest after dinner.

[00:05:47] So the kids aren't overwhelmed with all the toys in the morning and you can spend the day actually playing with little bits and pieces.

[00:05:54] But the backlash because everyone else is like, well, you have to let them have it in the morning.

[00:05:57] That's just cruel or whatever.

[00:05:59] It's just really interesting.

[00:06:00] So I think there's that expectation that everyone can do it their own way and you don't need to have a conformity of how you enjoy Christmas.

[00:06:09] Don't want to have a roast dinner and you want to have an Indian takeaway, then do that.

[00:06:14] Do whatever makes you happy kind of thing.

[00:06:17] And because, yeah, it's only one day, but if you're not into the religious side of it and it's just about the presents and everything, spend it how you want it.

[00:06:25] You don't have to be traditional if it's not your tradition.

[00:06:28] It's up to you to make your own kind of tradition.

[00:06:30] It's about being present, isn't it?

[00:06:33] Yeah, I think so.

[00:06:34] And I think we were talking about understanding that Christmas overwhelm.

[00:06:37] And when you and I were talking about this episode, I was like, it's all about how we protect our peace.

[00:06:42] And I think for us, it's around going, what makes us happy?

[00:06:46] Be around the people you want to be around.

[00:06:48] If that's not how your family did it growing up, it doesn't matter.

[00:06:52] Make your own tradition.

[00:06:54] Make it your own.

[00:06:55] It's about what makes you happy.

[00:06:56] If you only want to buy a really one small gift for your kid, then you do that.

[00:07:00] If you want to have something else for dinner, you do that.

[00:07:03] If you want to spend your day in jammies, never getting dressed, just watching Christmas movies, you do that.

[00:07:09] I think it's around understanding we don't need all these extra responsibilities, whether it be financial or kind of emotional change.

[00:07:17] Just do what you want for you and your family.

[00:07:19] And I think understanding that impacts on our mindset of all the extra stress and expectation, but also how that plays in our nervous system.

[00:07:27] Like a lot of people just feel really like they're really stressed out because our nervous system is really activated for like the whole of December, which just really isn't that healthy.

[00:07:36] So I think you've got to learn how to protect your peace.

[00:07:39] Do what you want for you and your family.

[00:07:42] Your family or the family you create is who you're with now.

[00:07:45] It doesn't matter who you were born into.

[00:07:47] And I think for me, that's something that I do believe.

[00:07:49] Don't be putting yourself in situations that you wouldn't put yourself in the rest of the year.

[00:07:52] So don't be around family just because it's a Christmas time.

[00:07:55] I think a healthy boundary and just do and be around who you want on your Christmas day is the best way to have a stress-free Christmas and reduce that overwhelm and protect your peace.

[00:08:06] Do what works for you and your family.

[00:08:09] The impact that Christmas can have on our peace, our mindset, that can trickle over to the next again year when you're just exhausted.

[00:08:20] Have you had any experience in that with people, women that you know that have just been so exhausted that maybe they've made themselves ill?

[00:08:31] Yeah, I think so.

[00:08:32] And I think if you look at all the different ways that Christmas can stress us out, or particularly that festive time, you might be running around an awful lot more.

[00:08:42] It's your social battery's drained, you're physically exhausted, you're financially really drained.

[00:08:46] And maybe it's really emotional if you're putting yourself in situations or you're letting your boundaries be stretched more than normal, you can be really drained.

[00:08:54] So you're like, and say most people do have some time off over the Christmas holiday.

[00:08:59] But by the time Christmas, New Year, Boxing Day and everything's kind of done, yeah, people are carrying that because it takes a while,

[00:09:05] especially if your nervous system's been really activated and you've been really like on edge most of December.

[00:09:09] It can take its toll and it's that time of year where there's lots of bugs and everything going around.

[00:09:14] So it could be like you get physically, you might get ill.

[00:09:16] Or just the emotional hangover of being that strength or around for that day can be huge.

[00:09:22] An anxiety hangover is massive for people where if your body's been on such high alert for such a long time,

[00:09:27] just feeling that crash can be physically huge for a lot of us.

[00:09:32] It might be exhausted where you might feel like you want to sleep for days, but if you have children, it's maybe not the option.

[00:09:37] Or if you've got other stuff going on.

[00:09:39] And also the financial strain, a lot of people take a long time to recover from Christmas.

[00:09:44] If they've given into expectation and put a lot into Christmas, it could be months before they get back on track.

[00:09:51] There's a lasting impact if we don't manage our mindset and the impact can be massive.

[00:09:56] And I think that's why it's really important to try and understand what's causing your overwhelm, what's causing the stress.

[00:10:02] Is it you're giving into all these expectations?

[00:10:05] Is it the financial?

[00:10:06] How you're feeling it in the body and then what you can do to help yourself with that so that you can enjoy Christmas and it doesn't feel as overwhelming.

[00:10:16] And what can you do?

[00:10:18] Like how, you know, it's a skill.

[00:10:21] It is a skill to understand when things are getting overwhelming.

[00:10:28] And a lot of us, because we've been doing it for so long, every other Christmas, just been getting on it.

[00:10:35] And then we'll deal with it next year.

[00:10:38] And then I'll get a rest next year.

[00:10:40] I'll be able to calm down.

[00:10:42] But being able to recognize this overwhelming, what are the stuff that we can do, you know, to just detect our pace?

[00:10:50] Yeah, I think it's a self-awareness, isn't it?

[00:10:52] And it's going to be different for all of us.

[00:10:54] I can kind of give some generic kind of what I think would be important.

[00:10:57] But I think it is really down to individually because it's around that self-awareness.

[00:11:01] What is it you find overwhelming?

[00:11:02] Is it, for me, too many social events I find really draining and overwhelming and it can take me a while to recover from them.

[00:11:08] People who are more sociable might find it's the financial strain or the expectation because of everything you're seeing on social media.

[00:11:16] So I think it's around the self-awareness around, first of all, what is it you find so overwhelming?

[00:11:20] Is it the work deadlines?

[00:11:23] Is it the financial or the social or the, what expectation is it you find overwhelming?

[00:11:29] Is it the lack of routine?

[00:11:31] Sometimes people have been off, it's a lack of routine that they can find.

[00:11:35] So I think the first thing that I would always say is look at your boundaries.

[00:11:38] Make sure that you're putting the boundaries in place.

[00:11:40] If you want to say no to something, say no to something.

[00:11:43] If you want to do something a different way, just because it's never been done before,

[00:11:47] because the family have always done it a certain way, it doesn't matter.

[00:11:50] Change it.

[00:11:51] Do what works for you and your family is always my advice.

[00:11:55] So protect your peace in that way.

[00:11:56] Find the way that you want to have Christmas.

[00:12:00] Say no to events that you don't want to go to.

[00:12:02] I would say have good boundaries in that way first.

[00:12:06] And if you have that self-awareness and recognize what's overwhelming you, maybe just try and slow down

[00:12:11] and just take a few deep breaths and find, protect your peace where you can.

[00:12:17] So even if you feel you do a certain amount of things, could you have just a quiet evening

[00:12:23] or could you have a quiet weekend or protect those times?

[00:12:26] And I guess really go into that mindset of do your best and part the rest.

[00:12:31] So focus on what is absolutely essential for the month and be okay with just parking the rest

[00:12:38] and coming back to it in January so you don't feel incredibly overwhelmed.

[00:12:42] I'm a person who's really terrible mindset of, oh, let me get everything in order and then I'll feel okay.

[00:12:48] I'll feel really relaxed if I just get everything done.

[00:12:51] But there's always something else that's going to add to the list and I'll never get through everything.

[00:12:57] And there has been Christmases and as you were saying before, being in the kitchen all the time

[00:13:03] and I've done that so many times.

[00:13:06] There's been so many Christmases where I've had to be one step ahead of people,

[00:13:11] of the household of people and I've been in the kitchen, I've been doing this, I've been doing that.

[00:13:15] And the only time that I've ever actually been able just to sit down and go up was when the main course was served.

[00:13:22] I was like, oh, right, okay, now I can relax.

[00:13:25] But that's not fair.

[00:13:27] Why did I get myself into that situation?

[00:13:29] Why was that responsibility put onto me?

[00:13:33] Why did I feel that responsibility was put on me?

[00:13:36] Yeah, I think quite often, especially when we're around family, we revert to older roles,

[00:13:43] like younger roles that we played and the dynamics of that younger role.

[00:13:48] So if you're the younger sister, the older sister, or even if you're around your parents,

[00:13:54] you revert to that role that you're used to have been that child,

[00:13:57] as opposed to being like standing in your power and saying, this is my house.

[00:14:02] This is how I want to do it.

[00:14:03] This is who I am now.

[00:14:04] This is the person I am now.

[00:14:06] So I think we revert to older roles and then get treated like that.

[00:14:11] So we're maybe suppressing things we want to say or do because we're living this older role out

[00:14:18] and we're playing out this older role.

[00:14:20] So I think that's very common that when we put ourselves around family,

[00:14:25] we slip into old roles that we've played and old dynamics within that family,

[00:14:30] which can then feel really quite stressful.

[00:14:32] And I think what we need to do is just have a bit of a reset and go back to, well, who am I now?

[00:14:39] This is me standing in my power at the age and stage I am in life.

[00:14:43] And I'm not that person that I once was.

[00:14:45] So you don't need to act that way, get spoken to that way, or go back into that old role.

[00:14:52] Just recognize it.

[00:14:53] I guess it's back to that self-awareness.

[00:14:55] I think it all comes down to self-awareness.

[00:14:57] So by where we're allowing ourselves to slip into old roles, let our boundaries be breached,

[00:15:05] and then that can come and help us feel resentful or overwhelmed around the situation.

[00:15:11] Just having that really clear communication.

[00:15:13] If you don't want to do something or somebody's speaking to you in a way you don't like,

[00:15:17] just being really clear around that.

[00:15:19] Maybe set time limits for gatherings, like family gatherings.

[00:15:23] Like maybe you don't have to spend the whole day.

[00:15:25] Maybe you could just go for a certain amount of time.

[00:15:27] A real emotional boundary.

[00:15:29] Not getting sucked into old toxic discussions or behaviors.

[00:15:34] Like maybe you have really different viewpoints now than a lot of your family might have.

[00:15:39] Maybe you don't have the same beliefs that they have, the same values.

[00:15:42] And that's okay.

[00:15:44] Just don't feel that you have to give them up for that time around them.

[00:15:48] Don't get sucked into those old communications.

[00:15:51] And maybe some other practical tips, like maybe don't have as much alcohol around them

[00:15:55] if you think that fuels certain conversations or arguments or behaviors.

[00:15:59] Be really clear on what your boundaries are.

[00:16:02] If people always expect you to do something,

[00:16:04] is that their expectation or is it an expectation you're putting on yourself?

[00:16:08] And just being like, actually, everyone's turned up with a dish this year.

[00:16:11] I'm not doing it.

[00:16:12] This is my Christmas too.

[00:16:13] This is how I want to spend it.

[00:16:15] And I think just being really standing in your power as much as possible.

[00:16:19] But that all stems from the self-awareness of what's causing you your overwhelm,

[00:16:25] because that's going to be different for all of us.

[00:16:27] It might be family dynamics.

[00:16:29] It might be financial.

[00:16:30] It might be work.

[00:16:31] So understanding what's causing that overwhelm for us to begin with,

[00:16:35] I think is the first most important step.

[00:16:37] Stand in your power.

[00:16:39] We are not those younger, older versions of ourselves.

[00:16:41] And we don't need to do things the way things have always been done.

[00:16:45] Do what works for us and for our family.

[00:16:47] I think that's the most important thing that we can think about for Christmas as well.

[00:16:52] I've learned so much as I've gotten older, and that's just what life is.

[00:16:57] Yeah.

[00:16:57] I used to have this thing where I always felt like it had to be the perfect Christmas.

[00:17:04] Like, I took on the responsibility for everybody else's happiness.

[00:17:09] They were getting the best food.

[00:17:11] They were getting the best present.

[00:17:13] They were being in the best atmosphere.

[00:17:16] They were getting all this.

[00:17:18] I even, you know, the music choice, everything, every little detail, and that's who I am.

[00:17:23] And they would just sit there and expect it and go, well, is anybody bothered about how I feel?

[00:17:33] Because looking back, because I stopped that a long, long time ago.

[00:17:37] But, you know, when you sit back and you're doing what you want to do,

[00:17:40] and I got a lot of backlash because it wasn't the norm.

[00:17:45] I started checking my piece.

[00:17:47] I started taking my own power back.

[00:17:49] There was a point where I was feeling guilty, and there was a point where my husband was like,

[00:17:53] no, no, you've made a decision.

[00:17:55] Stick with it.

[00:17:56] And there was that kind of sense of guilt with me.

[00:17:59] But now I'm over it.

[00:18:01] I'm not going to lie.

[00:18:01] It did take me quite a while.

[00:18:05] But it was hard to let go of that notion of a perfect Christmas.

[00:18:10] Yeah.

[00:18:11] I can't give any tips right now on how I did it, but because I didn't recognize it.

[00:18:17] I only recognize it now that I was just doing it because I was exhausted.

[00:18:20] I was exhausted with everything, people's drama, everything.

[00:18:24] I'm like, I don't have time for this.

[00:18:27] This is making me unhappy.

[00:18:29] Do you have any advice or any certain points in your life where you were just like, no,

[00:18:36] and how you taught yourself not to feel guilty, not have the perfect Christmas?

[00:18:41] Is there any little tips that you did?

[00:18:44] So I think there's two things that jump into my mind.

[00:18:47] First of all, let go of that.

[00:18:49] Give yourself permission not to have a perfect Christmas.

[00:18:51] It's never going to be, it doesn't need to be how it is in the movies.

[00:18:55] So it's probably an unrealistic expectation.

[00:18:57] That's what Christmas is going to be like, because normally on Christmas Day, you're interacting

[00:19:02] with other humans.

[00:19:03] Humans are all humans.

[00:19:04] They all have their own shite that they carry around.

[00:19:06] And I think it's really important to be like, you don't have to have this perfect Christmas.

[00:19:11] Christmas is what's good for you.

[00:19:12] What makes you happy and your family happy?

[00:19:15] So I think set just realistic expectations.

[00:19:18] And this is where it comes back to expectations.

[00:19:21] Maybe everyone else had started to expect you to do Christmas like that because you'd done

[00:19:24] it for so long, because also you'd put that expectation on yourself to have it all, have

[00:19:30] the perfect play list.

[00:19:31] So then you're in this kind of cycle and then you're getting resentful towards them for allowing

[00:19:36] you to allow that and then overwhelm.

[00:19:39] So I think it's around letting go of that level of perfection, which all comes from self-awareness,

[00:19:44] which you've got now, but you weren't when you were in it.

[00:19:46] It was hard to see.

[00:19:47] But just be like, well, what is perfect for you?

[00:19:49] For me, I love getting up and I love getting jammies, a little bit of presents, and then

[00:19:54] I love putting on like a Christmas outfit.

[00:19:55] We always kind of are quite dressy at Christmas and I enjoy that.

[00:19:59] Whereas other people might, the perfect day might be all day in jammies and that's okay.

[00:20:03] Like that's my perfect Christmas.

[00:20:05] It's being in Christmas jammies like literally all day.

[00:20:10] Not getting dressed up.

[00:20:12] I feel not that type of person.

[00:20:15] I like, I'm like Joey out of friends.

[00:20:17] I like the stretch of pants.

[00:20:18] I like room for my belly to breathe.

[00:20:22] And everyone's different.

[00:20:24] And I think just realizing that is okay.

[00:20:27] And also just that expectation of just maybe because your family always did it one way or

[00:20:33] a certain way, you don't have to do the same.

[00:20:35] You can do whatever works for you and for those that you're spending the day with.

[00:20:40] And I think the second thing is, it is not our responsibility to make anybody else happy.

[00:20:47] Period.

[00:20:48] It's not my responsibility to make my husband happy.

[00:20:54] It's not my responsibility to make my kids happy.

[00:20:57] It's not my responsibility to make my family members happy.

[00:21:00] They get out of Christmas what they want from Christmas and that's up to them.

[00:21:04] My responsibility is my happiness.

[00:21:06] I have, I do have some responsibilities around my children or my relationship, but it's not

[00:21:11] around making them happy.

[00:21:12] So I think letting go of that pressure on myself that it's my responsibility to make everyone

[00:21:18] in the room happy is a big turning point for me because I think for all of us to realize

[00:21:23] that's not our responsibility.

[00:21:25] People will take out what they will.

[00:21:28] And we're all going to experience that day differently, even though we're spending it

[00:21:33] together.

[00:21:34] And I think that's important.

[00:21:35] Just not taking on too much responsibility around that.

[00:21:41] It's totally changed my mind.

[00:21:43] It's like, no, it's, it's a time just to chill.

[00:21:47] And I used to get so frustrated and so overwhelmed and my anxiety.

[00:21:52] Oh, when I look back, it was just, I remember not eating anything.

[00:21:56] I remember not eating anything all the time.

[00:21:59] The only time I actually came alive was about eight o'clock at night.

[00:22:03] And I'm like, well, the day is gone, you know?

[00:22:05] And it's, I look back and just go, I wished I didn't take on all that responsibility.

[00:22:11] But again, I have to take responsibility for that.

[00:22:15] I've got myself to blame.

[00:22:16] Well, I think it's, listen, I think you can be compassionate towards yourself and just

[00:22:20] be like, you've got a bit more self-awareness around that now than we did back in back then.

[00:22:27] So I think your biggest takeaways, I think from this is that I feel that everyone could take

[00:22:32] away is just be self-aware around what's causing your overwhelm around what is it that is your

[00:22:39] stressor points around December, around Christmas.

[00:22:43] And then once you know them, what could you do around that?

[00:22:47] So how can you reduce expectation?

[00:22:49] How can you have healthier boundaries?

[00:22:52] How can you not take on too much responsibility?

[00:22:55] And how can we allow ourselves to ask for help?

[00:22:57] And maybe that's something personally, I wasn't always great at and I'm still not good at.

[00:23:03] And maybe as women generally, how can we ask for help?

[00:23:06] So can we ask for help from the family, from our partners, from whoever is, you know, family

[00:23:12] around us, ask for help and just let go of that idea of perfect Christmas, because whatever

[00:23:20] you do and who you're with, that's your perfect day.

[00:23:23] If that's who you're choosing.

[00:23:25] And yeah, just protect our peace.

[00:23:28] I think it's our biggest takeaway, isn't it?

[00:23:29] Do what you want to do.

[00:23:30] But that all stems from our self-awareness of what's causing that overwhelm.

[00:23:36] You mentioned boundaries.

[00:23:39] Sometimes that may be hard for some people, especially if they're going home for Christmas.

[00:23:45] I have a lot of friends that may be going back home for Christmas and then they go back into

[00:23:52] that even grown-ass adults.

[00:23:54] Well, I notice when people go home for Christmas, we all go back into our roles as the child sort

[00:24:01] of thing.

[00:24:01] But it's like, I've never liked that.

[00:24:03] I really fight against that.

[00:24:05] And I'm like, I'm a grown-ass adult here, but because I'm in your household or whatever,

[00:24:10] I need to go into this wee thing.

[00:24:11] Now, just be me.

[00:24:12] Just accept me for being me.

[00:24:15] What's the importance of boundaries when people are going back into those kind of situations?

[00:24:20] Yeah, I think that's really important.

[00:24:22] I think it's, first of all, recognizing, I call them our blueprints, recognize the old

[00:24:28] patterns and behaviors that we've kind of probably kind of blueprinted on us when we were growing

[00:24:37] up.

[00:24:37] So recognize those old patterns.

[00:24:39] And sometimes they're ingrained through generations.

[00:24:42] So you'll see your mom acting the same way as her gran.

[00:24:47] Whether it's like emotional unavailability or conflict styles or just unhealthy traditions,

[00:24:53] just having the self-awareness to identify them really helps us then break them and behave

[00:25:00] how we want to be.

[00:25:01] So they can affect us by like when we go into those family gatherings.

[00:25:05] We can be really triggered by behavioral responses or emotional responses.

[00:25:11] And it can be really difficult to stay grounded and stay true to ourselves.

[00:25:17] If you have a family who have very different viewpoints on things, when you go back, you

[00:25:22] might feel like you get ridiculed quite a lot because you have a really different stance on

[00:25:27] a lot of things.

[00:25:27] Is definitely something that we have, you know, and instead of just reverting to that

[00:25:33] inner child and being like, am I wrong?

[00:25:35] Blah, blah, blah.

[00:25:35] Being able to stand in your power and be like, no, I'm okay with having these beliefs and

[00:25:40] values now.

[00:25:40] And it's okay that we're different.

[00:25:42] So just being really mindfully engaged with them.

[00:25:46] So if you do feel it's getting to the point where a conversation where you're getting really

[00:25:49] emotional, just take that step back.

[00:25:51] Is it worth it to disrupt your peace that much?

[00:25:54] Probably not.

[00:25:54] So recognize when you're getting drawn into those old patterns or triggers.

[00:26:00] That's an important one because you can easily forget.

[00:26:05] Easily.

[00:26:06] And especially when we're around family and we have the dynamics where I'm a younger sister,

[00:26:11] so I get treated like a younger sister, even though I'm a grown ass woman.

[00:26:15] And sometimes I'm okay with it.

[00:26:17] And other times I'm like, God, that really annoys me that I'm spoken to in a certain way

[00:26:22] because I'm not that person anymore.

[00:26:24] So it's just recognizing what you're allowing to happen and what you don't.

[00:26:29] And how those triggers, those dynamics can really trigger you.

[00:26:33] So I can be quite self-aware sometimes.

[00:26:36] Other times if I'm really tired or that, I still get really triggered.

[00:26:39] So it's recognizing for ourselves and be the change.

[00:26:45] Like how can we encourage like healthier dynamics, healthier interactions, emotions, staying calm,

[00:26:52] like lead by example, I guess is what I say.

[00:26:55] So we can still show up for Christmas, but we can still, we can do it in our own way.

[00:27:00] We can do it in the way of who we are now, not who we once were.

[00:27:03] And I think tips around how long you stay with them, be strong and know that you're being there for yourself

[00:27:10] and not for other expectations, I think is really kind of good as well.

[00:27:16] Great tip there.

[00:27:17] Constantly keeping yourself in check.

[00:27:19] Yeah.

[00:27:20] It's hard, which is hard.

[00:27:23] Yeah, I think in situations it's harder, isn't it?

[00:27:26] Where we're more triggered, yeah.

[00:27:27] Yeah, it's not an easy thing.

[00:27:30] It is a skill.

[00:27:30] And as you said, it's a blueprint.

[00:27:32] We've been always there since we were younger.

[00:27:34] So it's really hard to rewrite that blueprint.

[00:27:39] Yeah.

[00:27:39] Because everybody, your mind always refers back to the way it was.

[00:27:43] And you're trying to put in a new way of learning and living.

[00:27:48] That can be quite difficult sometimes.

[00:27:51] Great tip.

[00:27:52] Thank you.

[00:27:53] When we were talking before this record, it was about the resentfulness that you can bring

[00:28:01] when you go back home to a family because you're thinking about, oh, they did this last Christmas

[00:28:08] or they did this.

[00:28:09] Oh, I hope they don't start their pitch this year, you know, and blah, blah.

[00:28:12] And then you have this big chat.

[00:28:14] And I'm one of those people that kind of preempts everything in my head.

[00:28:18] I start thinking about everybody's behavior.

[00:28:20] Well, that person usually does this, that, and I'll need to prepare myself.

[00:28:25] Again, that's not healthy.

[00:28:27] And I like how you say it's just walk away.

[00:28:30] Is it worth it?

[00:28:32] And I think my biggest thing where I need to learn more myself is just to let it go.

[00:28:38] Like Elsa, how does it make you let it go?

[00:28:39] It's just being quiet as well.

[00:28:41] Yeah.

[00:28:42] Yeah.

[00:28:43] I mean, I think that, I think there's something around recognizing how our mind works.

[00:28:48] And it always starts with a thought.

[00:28:50] Our thought leads to a feeling, which then leads to our behavior.

[00:28:54] And what we're experiencing moment to moment is always coming from our thoughts.

[00:29:00] When you're living in that thought and you're, you know, you said it classic there, like you're

[00:29:05] overthinking it, you're playing to every scenario and you're going, you're playing it.

[00:29:09] It's like you have a snow globe and you've shaken that snow globe.

[00:29:12] And every bit of snow in there is a thought just whizz, whizz, whizzing around.

[00:29:16] And it's hard to see the picture on the inside of the snow globe because there's so much snow

[00:29:22] going about.

[00:29:22] And it's hard to see your peace inside of you in that calmness because there's so many

[00:29:26] thoughts whizzing around.

[00:29:28] And it's understanding that you just need to put the snow globe down.

[00:29:33] You just need to let that thinking settle and feel calm and peaceful again.

[00:29:39] Next time on Scotland's Women.

[00:29:42] It can be really difficult, but I think it's just around being staying strong to who you

[00:29:47] are, what you want from the day and how you want to be for your family.

[00:29:50] So maybe how you want to be as a role model for your partner, for your children or for

[00:29:54] anyone else.

[00:29:55] Because it can be really difficult, especially if there's generational patterns.

[00:29:58] Like, you know, there might be lots of behaviors that's general criticisms.

[00:30:01] Like, we have quite a few in my family.

[00:30:03] There's a lot of criticism.

[00:30:04] There's a lot of emotional repression, I would say.

[00:30:07] You might go into people-pleasing behaviors or these old roles that you used to play.

[00:30:12] Best way we can break these is just having that self-awareness.

[00:30:15] And you might go into them, but then just your self-awareness brings you back out of it

[00:30:19] and be like, OK, don't need to respond like this.

[00:30:22] Don't need to take the bait.

[00:30:23] Don't need to bite.

[00:30:26] Thank you for listening to Scotland's Woman.

[00:30:29] We would love to hear from you, so please visit the website at scotlandswoman.com

[00:30:34] as every Scotland's woman has a story to tell.

[00:30:37] And please subscribe on wherever you get your podcasts.

[00:30:41] Scotland's Woman.

[00:30:42] Our lives.

[00:30:43] Our stories.