It's Your Time

[00:00:03] Hi and welcome to Scotland's Women. Throughout the podcast we'll be listening to women from all over Scotland tell their stories. These amazing women will be sharing their life experiences, their perspectives as well as providing us with advice and inspiration. Let's support

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[00:01:32] stories, now let's get on with the show. I'm Cecil Sunyam and I am a relationship and love coach and Iplati's instructor and I help women release their inner blocks through mind and body so that they can have the dream relationship that they are searching for

[00:02:05] and be truly happy and have a healthy relationship. Thank you, Cecil, for coming to chat on Scotland's Women today. It's so good to have you here. Our listeners are really lucky because you have such an amazing story to tell

[00:02:22] and the advice and how to empower women in their dating life and their relationship. Thank you for having me on the show today. It's really great to be on and be able to talk to

[00:02:36] all the audience and share my story. Could you just tell us your journey and how you became to be a relationship and dating coach here in Scotland? Yeah, it's quite a long story so

[00:02:49] I'm going to start at the beginning because it all kind of ties into how I got here. So I did engineering at uni, very different to what I'm doing now and I spent about five or six

[00:03:03] years looking for work and it was just one rejection after another and it's really demoralising and it chips away at your confidence which I didn't. I'm quite confident and optimistic and I just

[00:03:16] power through so I didn't realise how much I was chipping away at my confidence and it got to the point where I was doing an internship in Madrid this December 2011 and I had just been

[00:03:27] rejected from another job and I was just like, I remember that whole month I was either crying or trying to stop myself crying. I was in a really low place but not quite accepting it

[00:03:39] and I remember my flatmate was like do you want to come shopping with me so I went with him and we were in Zara and the men's department was on the fourth floor but in the middle there

[00:03:49] was like a gap that you can look down to the bottom floor and he was trying on some clothes and I was standing there and I was just looking down and I just had this thought of

[00:04:00] if I fall I'll be free of how I feel and free of the situation which is quite a it's a really it was a really scary thought and I never thought I would ever have a thought

[00:04:12] like that and it was in that moment I was like I need to do something different because engineering is not working and I felt really lost and trapped and I was just like you know what

[00:04:22] I've always wanted to do acting I'm going to do that so it was a few months later I applied for an acting school and I was back in London so I went back to London I did that got in

[00:04:35] and during that training it was like the start of my self-development journey which I didn't really think about at the time but that made me kind of face some of the emotions I was holding on to and then while I was doing that I got into pilates and

[00:04:53] started teaching that and and I loved being able to help women in their confidence like in a physical way and just being able to share my knowledge and what I'm seeing in them and being able to

[00:05:07] help them feel more confident and better and I used to teach a men's only class so you can really see the difference between men and women and it started getting me thinking of like how we

[00:05:17] see ourselves and how we see our bodies and so then in 2015 yeah I was dating a guy who wasn't the greatest and there's lots of toxic elements to our relationship but I kind of persevered with it

[00:05:34] and he was in Glasgow I was in London so it was long distance so you kind of didn't see all the toxic elements I knew they were there but I didn't really pick up on them and then in 2016 the energy

[00:05:48] alignment method appeared in my world so I was on a mailing list and I never opened the email but one day I just did and I was like oh I need this I need to work on what's going on in me because I

[00:06:01] was like I was working on myself but I wasn't myself and so I joined to do the course just for myself and I just saw what a massive difference it made in me and the other people who were there

[00:06:16] and then I went into training to become a mentor and and then from there I just saw because by then I was in my 30s and a lot of people around me were you know going through relationship struggles

[00:06:29] and I was going through it and relationships are breaking down or people wanted to get married and have kids and they felt like they were running out of time so there was everything

[00:06:38] relationship was happening in my world and it was just that instinct of this is what I need to work on and this is what I need to help women with so that they can feel more confident and have

[00:06:52] what they desire and that's how it got created. How do you feel looking back at that point because when you're describing it right now it's very visual like I can see it when you're looking down

[00:07:07] the women who you are today and then looking back on the women then how do you feel? I feel completely different so actually this one point I forgot to say so when I broke up with my ex

[00:07:24] I was like how did I end up in this relationship because you know there wasn't the kind of relationship I would normally end up in and it was going back to that moment in Madrid

[00:07:36] because I'd never dealt with it and never it was just kind of stuffed down best ring away so when I worked on that and released that and released that kind of

[00:07:46] at the time I felt so like helpless and powerless and like I just wanted to do this one thing and I couldn't achieve it even though I knew I was intelligent enough I had the degrees like

[00:07:58] and it just was not happening and it was bringing me to a place of like bitterness and frustration and like just sadness and depression so when I worked on it and actually released it

[00:08:11] I've started to feel like myself again like my confident I'm going to do what I want like I'm quite headstrong and determined so it was just kind of allowing me to step into who I was

[00:08:23] and actually even though that's to do with my career it was affecting my relationship so yeah and that's a kind of good point I want to get across to people as well sometimes what affects our relationships has nothing to do with relationships

[00:08:37] and it comes from another area but now I just feel I just feel completely different but I feel like myself I feel confident and good and happy and yeah totally different when you described about feeling lost were you looking for guidance

[00:08:55] it's like you were looking for the person you are now to coach you at that point I'm feeling yeah if someone like me came along at the time I would have really appreciated it

[00:09:07] yeah because I mean I did do a lot of the energy alignment method stuff which is what I do with my clients right now because I was training at the time so we were kind of coaching each other which helped but it wasn't just specifically relationships

[00:09:26] even though that was a big part of what I was working on but if I had met someone like me who could help me because I remember at the time the relationship wasn't working and I moved up to

[00:09:36] Scotland for him and you know I felt really lonely in that relationship I felt like he dismissed like me who I was my ideas and my goals and he just wasn't supportive and so having someone

[00:09:53] like a coach you could help me work through what I was feeling and be able to see what the relationship was like and to help me kind of deal with it and have clarity and just

[00:10:03] someone to talk to who is unbiased and stands it's really would have been really helpful yeah you're amazing look at you now and and what you've created and the women that you've become now you've like turned everything around and used your you're using your own experiences in your

[00:10:23] own journey and putting it into this amazing business that you have can you tell us about your business yes so my business is helping women through coaching sessions to find out what's going on internally that's stopping them from either attracting the ideal partner or having a

[00:10:45] happy and healthy relationship so I mean I do one-to-one or group coaching and it's again using the energy alignment method to help them really tune into what is going on in their subconscious

[00:10:57] we all have limiting beliefs we all have patterns that run on autopilot we have emotions and triggers and you know things that have happened in the past that are affecting how we feel how we

[00:11:08] think what we do as about tuning into okay what is going on and what do we need to change because you know if I give you an example like I had a client who wanted a serious relationship

[00:11:23] and but she would only go out end up in relationships with your casual and then just end and when we dug a little bit deeper it was because she had a fear of rejection so if she

[00:11:32] never got into a serious relationship she never felt that into them and the rejection wouldn't be as bad so she kept kind of the serious relationships at arms length and just went

[00:11:43] for the casual stuff and then once we worked on it she did meet someone so it's about finding okay what is going on beneath the surface is stopping you from having what you want

[00:11:54] and yeah and we all have triggers when you're in a relationship all those triggers are going to get triggered yeah it's so intense and so intimate and so vulnerable so if you can stop identifying them then they're less likely to affect you and that's that's what we're doing

[00:12:13] when I work with clients and so is that important for someone who is feeling triggered in a relationship is it the responsibility of that person to deal with the triggers rather and put the responsibility on the person they're having the relationship with

[00:12:31] because I hear sometimes that a lot in relationship going oh you trigger me or this happened or that happened and I feel like sometimes it's like blaming the other party who's a completely different human being who's not in their head I would say yes yeah yes well first

[00:12:47] I would say look at yourself because so if you're let's say someone's really insecure and their I don't know husband is going out for a few drinks and that person the woman gets triggered because

[00:13:00] she's like oh I phoned him and he didn't answer his phone he must be cheating on me like extreme example but it happens that is her insecurity that's coming up rather than him doing something

[00:13:10] wrong and that insecurity can have a massive effect on the relationship so it's she needs identify what is actually going on why she's being triggered work through that you might be the partner's doing something to trigger her like he's actually doing something wrong but if you can

[00:13:28] deal with your own stuff first and notice okay is this a real trigger like as it is this a real him issue or is this a me issue and then once you know what's going on you can communicate

[00:13:40] that to your partner because if you're getting triggered and they don't realize and then they're getting triggered by your reaction and then you get triggered by their reaction it just becomes this vicious cycle so if you can look inwards and be like okay I'm feeling like this

[00:13:56] this is what's coming up it's because of this thing that's happened in my life then you can work on that so it doesn't constantly get triggered and you can explain it to your partner so you can work on it together yeah I think it's really important

[00:14:11] rather than just oh I'm triggered and that's it I think it's really important for us to look inwards first definitely in communication of this notice that in my marriage is number one communicate don't expect the other half to know what's going on your head even though you feel

[00:14:32] like they should but they don't and they're human beings too it took me a while to figure that out what you've created and how you empower women and their dating lives in the relationship

[00:14:45] all this every day speaking to different women is that is that helping you in your personal life yes I would say because obviously I have triggers just like everyone else and I have things that I need to work on because we all have strengths and weaknesses

[00:15:01] and sometimes just working with someone else makes me think oh maybe I've done that or oh I should do this in my relationship because we're all different we can all learn from each other

[00:15:12] and yes definitely it just kind of is eye-opener or even just learning what can happen when you've been together a really long time because me and my husband have been together for five and

[00:15:21] a half years so you know in ten years something might come up but I've done it with a client and I'm like okay this is how I handle it so there's always I think we're always learning about

[00:15:32] ourselves and working with clients can help me find out more about myself which I think it's always a good thing it is it is it's an amazing thing and one of the reasons why

[00:15:46] all Scotland's women's here is I feel like us as women we should be inspiring each other we should be educating each other you know and listening to each other we've all got a

[00:15:55] story to tell and learn from each other do you know I mean there's only so much you can google it wouldn't we do before google do you know I mean if you just went I'll do that when you first

[00:16:07] started off in your business why did you make the decision to work predominantly with women oh I think it's because I see a lot of women who settle settle for a relationship or a life

[00:16:23] they're not happy with because either they don't believe they can get something better or they're scared to move on or you know sometimes I've spoken to women who've been in a relationship for a long

[00:16:33] time they've been a mom and they just suddenly wake up when they're like I don't know who I am I've lost my identity and or all right like read you know on facebook or whatever like

[00:16:46] things from women and you can just see they're so insecure and so they don't have that confidence in them and it just really it really bothers me like we as women we are amazing we have so much to

[00:16:59] give why shouldn't we go after what we want why shouldn't we have amazing relationships yeah a lot more confident and you know when a man treats you like crap again and again and again

[00:17:14] you know you don't have to stand for it and obviously there's trial bonding and all that stuff that can happen but before that get happens I think we need to encourage and

[00:17:24] support and inspire each other that we are worth so much more than we are when yeah and like you don't need to settle you don't need to stay stuck you can I really believe you can get have

[00:17:39] an amazing relationship if that's what you want and then yeah I just want women to feel I just want women to be more confident but like I just want them to believe in themselves and to love themselves and accept themselves and know how amazing they are and that's

[00:17:56] what I want to work with women and I love it that's so inspiring and I'm so glad that we have women like you you help a lot of women who are coming from different scenarios different

[00:18:09] backgrounds but they're going into dating for the first time and a dating can be daunting for anybody women that come to you needing help with dating what's the biggest challenge they have I guess the biggest challenge is finding the right person or

[00:18:29] being on loads of dates and feeling like they're never gonna meet someone or attracting there's lots of reasons but or attracting like they keep attracting the wrong person and they are fed up with it so these are like the big things that come up so

[00:18:50] they want to find this particular kind of person but they just attract the wrong people and they just feel like well what's the point like why am I over bothering and and each time they just

[00:19:01] get more and more desperate all that feeling of desperation I'm never going to meet the one that I want um that seems to be the biggest issue and what would your advice be to women who are

[00:19:15] going through that right now so I always say first be clear on what you want because sometimes we spend so much time on looking at what we don't want and our focus is all of that that actually

[00:19:27] that's what we're attracting to us you know what if you're looking you know let's say you're out on a bat and you're gonna look for a yellow car you will see the yellow car everywhere and it's the

[00:19:35] same thing if you're looking at all the things that are lacking then that's all you're gonna attract to you because that's kind of what your brain is filtering out so what I always say is be

[00:19:46] clear on what you want right that's what I did I wrote a list of exactly the kind of person I wanted what kind of relationship I wanted and I really kind of um I aligned and got into

[00:19:58] that energy of meeting that person and then once you've written your list and it can be as long as you want my list had 15 full coins on it so it was a long list but from one what you

[00:20:12] wanted in one person oh I'm one relationship wow I mean that's like putting it out there isn't it is that what you mean exactly yeah so you get clear in your mind of what this is what I want and

[00:20:27] this is what I'm looking for uh so the kind of relationship and the kind of person and how do you feel in that relationship it's really important to anchor it with emotions and then what I like

[00:20:38] to get clients do is either read through that list or visualize that person that kind of relationship and then see what negatives are coming up so if you go through your list and you're like have this

[00:20:51] thought this is impossible I'm never meeting this person and you've already kind of blocked it off so the right might appear in your world but you either don't see them or you dismiss them

[00:21:02] because you've got this block so it's important to find out what blocks there are so yeah what thoughts you're having what even what emotions you're feeling you might feel like this will never happen or this is impossible or sadness so it's important to look at what

[00:21:18] emotions and thoughts are coming up when you're going through your ideal concern and relationship list I had a client we did one session she met her boyfriend I think two weeks later but then I've had clients where we've worked together a year and then

[00:21:36] she's met someone and yeah I think maybe a couple haven't met someone while we've been working together but majority go on and meet someone because they're shifting all their inner blocks they're shifting

[00:21:49] their mindset and that is a really powerful thing sometimes we have blocks that we don't see because they're in like in our blind spot so you need someone to guide you to it or

[00:22:01] to even point it out and then you're like oh right there's this massive thing here that I've either been ignoring or just haven't seen so it's always good to have an outsider looking in why do you think sometimes in relationships and dating women could start feeling like they're

[00:22:21] losing themselves why do you think that happens so I guess in relationships sometimes you I guess you lose yourself because you might not be doing necessarily your interest in hobbies that are your thing that you might have done before the relationship

[00:22:40] and you kind of just get sucked up into the world with the relationship and then you've got everyday lives and especially if you've been together a long time and especially you've got kids you might just become like you know you go to work you come home you

[00:22:54] look after the kids you do this you do that you kind of just it's just this kind of auto play you're doing the same thing every day and I think it's really important to do stuff

[00:23:04] that are just for you so whether that's a hobby or an activity or whatever kind of self-care you want to do but something that allows you to feel like yourself and it lifts up your energy

[00:23:17] lifts up your spirit it makes you feel like yourself again and I think a lot of times people stop doing that and then they start losing themselves and then you know one day they wake up and they're

[00:23:28] like I don't know who I am and you know that can have a massive detrimental effect on the relationship and sometimes it's just you know you don't want to change everything in the relationship just so you can have some time for yourself and it's just allowing you to

[00:23:44] tune into who you are and just do something just for you not for anyone else which I find a lot of women they prioritize everyone else and then feel exhausted and they don't feel like themselves

[00:23:57] so I think it's really important going stop your hobbies do things that are you do just for you especially if you're starting a new relationship it's so easy to get caught up

[00:24:10] in it or you want to spend time with your new love so you do their hobbies don't let that become the whole of you allow make sure you do what feels good for you have those boundaries in place like

[00:24:27] I'm going to go and do this activity where I'm going to go I'm going to go to the spa whatever it is but make sure you keep doing the things that make you feel like yourself that's things

[00:24:40] that you enjoyed doing just because in a relationship or you just started one doesn't mean you have to give up everything and if you've been in a relationship a long time find things that you enjoy doing just for you what makes you feel good what makes you feel

[00:24:56] energized do those yeah it doesn't have to be like a all-day thing it could be an hour so incorporate them so you can have time out and just feel like yourself I think sometimes I

[00:25:09] me personally I've kind of it's like I'm constantly looking to give myself permission to do these things we do everything and that's when the fear can start sending in if you find you're overthinking it and I'm definitely over thinking why what you're thinking and what you're feeling

[00:25:26] down like write that fear down and you can do like a okay why am I feeling this fear um a fear of I don't know not spending enough time with my husband for example okay and what will

[00:25:38] happen if I do leave him for an hour or nothing's gonna happen like you can kind of talk yourself through it so you can um so you look when you're by yourself you can talk yourself through it and

[00:25:50] so you can get to a point where you're like actually it's okay for me to go and do this there was one thing that I came across on your website and your Instagram was women recently coming to you with the question am I too fat to be dating

[00:26:09] weight is a big one that comes up and I've worked with quite a few people if you so I had one client who wanted to start dating but she kept saying she wasn't ready

[00:26:18] but when we did the sessions and we dug a little bit deeper it's because she had put on some weight she thought she was too fat to date and actually I've had other clients who are maybe larger in size

[00:26:30] and even though logically they know anyone of any size can find love yeah belief of I'm not thin enough to find the kind of person I want or that I'm too big and I need to settle

[00:26:44] for something less than what I want and I think weight is a big issue for women like we're always told about we know we're either too thin or too fat or this is how you need to look and it's just

[00:26:57] never right so whether you are consciously thinking it or not often it's back in the back of your mind because I've worked with women who have great bodies and then when you kind of

[00:27:10] explore what's going on there is that lack of confidence about their body or I don't want an amount of senior naked because my belly is a little bit out and it's just it's really interesting

[00:27:21] how it comes up and and you don't want that to stop you from dating or you don't know stop you from finding the person that you want like or settling for someone who isn't right for you

[00:27:34] just because you don't deserve better and ultimately that's what it is I'm not good enough I don't deserve the love or the partner that I want because my body isn't right and yeah that's really sad and everyone deserves an amazing relationship and to be loved how do you

[00:27:55] work with women who are feeling like that to regain their confidence in that when I'm working with them it's about there's usually more belief that that I'm too fat is just the surface level

[00:28:11] and it's a belief of I am not good enough and I am not good enough is a massive limiting belief that women especially women I'm sure men have as well but for when I work with women it's a big

[00:28:23] one that comes up and it shows up in so many different ways so like and I am too fat to find the partner is basically saying I'm not good enough and that's what we want to work on why do

[00:28:36] they not feel good enough what else is tied to that what past experiences have they had that makes them feel like that it could be stuff from childhood it could be later on

[00:28:46] and it's about just kind of working with them to let go of those beliefs and start tuning into their confidence and doing things that help them make the help them feel confident and yeah and that's obviously everyone's individual so we work on what okay what makes you feel

[00:29:04] confident fitness is like a really good one because you're always tuning into your body and getting fitter and stronger even if you're not losing weight makes you feel more confident yeah yeah so it's about releasing all the limiting belief and doing things that will

[00:29:21] help you feel more confident so that we can start shifting that and it takes time and especially the important relationship is the one that you have with yourself at the end of the day

[00:29:31] and it's about us women supporting each other as well thank you so much Deza and so at the end of every episode I ask every woman what is their favorite quote I have a quote I absolutely

[00:29:43] live by look at it and it makes me feel so much better and it has such profound meaning to me do you have one so I was thinking about this because there's been lots of quotes that have

[00:29:54] really inspired me over the years but the one that really sticks out is just really simple is be brave because yeah sometimes you don't feel brave and I just love that and in my mind it's like be brave

[00:30:08] and it's I've got like an image of a warrior so being brave and just facing the fears and just doing what you need to do and what you want to do and yeah that's what it means to me be brave

[00:30:23] love it thank you very much for sharing that be brave thank you so much Deza for coming on today this has been so amazing and inspiring what you do to talking about your journey and helping

[00:30:34] women out there to find and regain their confidence thank you for having me on the show and I really love sharing all my story and knowledge I've loved it thank you so much and I hope

[00:30:48] the lady is listening out there right now it's giving them some confidence as well and just to go for it and start take care of yourself and start thinking about what you want thank you so

[00:30:58] much Deza take care and hope to speak to you soon see you later bye I'm Cecil Sunyam my website is at warriorentraining.co.uk my email is cesar at warriorentraining.co.uk and the social medium

[00:31:16] you can find at warriorentraining.com with Cesar thank you for listening to Scotland's Women we would love to hear from you so please visit the website at scotlandswomen.com as every Scotland's woman has a story to tell and please subscribe on wherever you get your podcasts

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